Thinking about what you're thinking about makes me feel like I'm thinking like a monkey

When you take the headphones out all you’re left with is the silence of your thoughts. I usually hate my thoughts. But I know I love them more than I would love having the thoughts of the average person…let’s pretend that there is an average person.  I don’t even pretend to think I know what’s going through the heads of these average people. The people out there who are so ignorant and foolish. It’s hard for me to even think about what they think about. Thinking about what they think about is making me feel a little stupid right now. And the more stupid I feel, the less I can think about what they are thinking about…which probably proves my point.

My mind hurts. Not because of the previous paragraph but just in general. I feel like recently I’ve been going crazy and I can’t do a lot about it. People talk about wanting to figure out their life and I’m here to say that it’s impossible to figure out your life because there isn’t anything to figure out. If I asked you why you weren’t happy, you’d tell me it’s because of your job, or your spouse, or your girlfriend, or your lack of motivation and then I’d ask you why you can’t figure it out and it’d usually end up sounding something like: if I had another job or another boyfriend…or I’m happy with my girlfriend but I just need to change some things about it. I just want to tell you that this life can’t be figured out because that’s not the point of life…to figure it out. Haven’t you heard all those quotes by all those famous guys…they go something like, “the more I know the more I know I don’t know” or “as I acquire wisdom what I’m getting wise about is knowing I’m not that wise,” “life is a journey not a destination” what the hell do you think all these people mean when they are saying all this stuff?  I think it means that you’re not as smart as you think you are. And at every level of your life you think you’re so much smarter than you were when you were 5 or 10 or 15 or 20…and that all is true but you still have a long way to go. It doesn’t matter what you know but rather how you apply what you know. And of course how you love the people that you come in contact with.

I’ve been thinking about how people leave conversations always giving promises about the next time they’ll be speaking with the person; I’ll talk to you later, I’ll see you later, I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ve been trying, recently, to not say any of these dead epitaphs. I instead just say goodbye or goodnight. Or I just don’t say anything at all. Sometimes I just say all right and hang up. This seems to be the best. Especially when you’re about to see the person you’re talking to on the phone.  I most assuredly don’t say peace. I catch myself saying peace and I hate it. It’s a habit and it almost can’t be stopped. Everyone says peace but I think they have no idea what they are saying. I say war when I’m done because I think that’s what we need…a war.

For too long the government has been stepping over its governmental right and making laws that they don’t have the power (they have the power because of the military) to make. They get away with making these laws because no one wants to challenge the national government. It’s wildly disappointing and my peers are the ones that disappoint me the most. I’ll run through a scenario with you about something that happens on a regular basis in my life when dealing with people (usually younger people my same age) “I can’t believe that the government is outlawing smoking in restaurants. Why do they think they have the right to pass these laws.” That’s the statement I made out of disgust with America and our state government. Now the next statement is the girl’s response:  “Well I like that the government is making a law about that because I don’t like smelling smoke when I’m in the bar and smelling like smoke when I go home for the night.”

The problem is that people feel like it’s their right to go to a business that exists. When the reality is that businesses in America are private and you don’t deserve to go there anymore than you would deserve to go the house of the person that owns the business. The reason that the bar lets you in is because they want to sell you things but they have the right to tell you that they don’t want to serve you. That problem arises with ignorant people not understanding what private business means and thinking they are entitled to anything and everything that exists. If I own a business it should be my choice what is done in my establishment. If I own a house it should be, and is, my choice what happens in that house. If I want to drink liquor after 2AM I can. If I want to walk around naked that isn’t illegal either.  As long as it’s legal to do I should be allowed to do it in my place of business. If smoking isn’t illegal, then I should be able to decide if people smoke in my bar. If eating isn’t illegal, I should be able to decide whether or not I serve food in my bar. In America, we don’t believe in the government owning businesses as a fundamental building block, even though some people in America might believe that. Obama being one of them.

Things to think about:

-Settlers of Catan is the best board game created. Better than Monopoly, Risk, Clue, and Sorry combined.
-If it's part of her body why can't she control when the baby kicks...if it's her body?
-Gifts don't need to be given to you for Christmas. It's a gift, not a requirement. A gift is the giver's choice and never an obligation
-love languages

Things to read:

http://www.gadzillionthings.net/

Let's have a yelling contest and see who everyone looks at

I feel like I’d watch a reality TV show based on my life. That’s probably because it’s my life and I’m living it. And because I think it’s better than other people’s lives. Although I do believe that other people do have amazing lives. The difference, I think, is that when people are on TV they do things that they don’t normally do or that they wouldn’t normally do if they weren’t on TV.  I imagine I would do the same thing.  Something about having a lot of people watching what you do makes a lot of people change up what they’re doing. 

Who hasn’t been hanging out in a group of people and seen their friends act perfectly different because of all those people that are around for them to impress?  They make more jokes or get everyone’s attention to feel valuable. That was me and still is me to some extent. But those are just the obvious ones. Now think about group situations that you’ve been in where you have a friend that isn’t the life of the party and yet when they get around a group of people they act differently also.  They act more like the subtle personality traits that they hold. I think that people are a certain way and when they get around people their behavior is magnified and comes out more extreme. If you are loud, you tend to be more loud and if you are quiet, you tend to let the louder people be louder. What does this matter? I’d like to make a parallel between God and groups of people.

 What’s the explanation for why people act differently in groups? Why is it that when we get around a group of people we tend to act differently than how we act when we’re alone?

I want to assume for a second that there is a being out there that created this world. The reason I want to assume this is, because if this isn’t true, I would submit that nothing matters at all; not love, not hate, not desire, not emotion, not the money you strive so hard to earn, or the father or mother that want you to act a certain way.  I want to take this assumption further and assume that the being is called God and that this God is in all places at every point in the world at the same time.  (Being of course because time is only in existence to us and not God (a blog for a later time)).

From this assumption I want to ask you one question: Do you act differently when there is a group of people around? If you answered no, go read another one of my blogs because this won’t do you any good.  If you answered yes to this question, I’d like to ask you why you think you act differently. Really? What is it about people that make you act differently?  Is it that you think people want you to act a certain way so this pressure, whether made up or real, causes you to change how you act? Or are you trying to impress people?

You’re always being watched. And it’s by a person that knows you better than you know yourself. So when you’re acting like someone that you don’t want to be know that God sees how you’re acting and just wants you to be real and honest…but more he knows why you’re acting the way you are. He knows about the man that raped you when you were a child, he knows about the parents you had that didn’t ever pay you attention, he knows about that girl that broke your heart when you were younger. He knows that this has caused you to not trust older men, not feel loved, and use girls so you’ll never be hurt again. He knows the reasons you act the way you do and because he knows all this, there is no reason to act any other way than how you would act if you were alone…which should be how you are when you’re  with people you love and trust.

I want to make one more assumption…that this God that sees everything and knows everything is more important than anyone that exists that you know…because he created everyone that you know. And since he created everyone that you know the things that he says and thinks matter the most. And what he says about you is that he loves you. He loves you more than you love yourself. Jesus loves you more than you love yourself. Take some time and think about why it is that you’re different around people than when you are alone. And once you realize why try to be yourself when you’re alone and with other people. Character is how you act when no ones watching. Love. War.

Things to read:

-Redeeming Love…it’s about prostitutes…you’ll love it.

-People still believe in man-made global warming  http://www.climategate.com/

-Minimum wage negatively affects the people that they claim it helps.  http://economics.gmu.edu/wew/articles/09/CollusionAgainstOurYouth.htm

Things to think about:

-Avatar was amazing to look at and horrible to listen to

-Jesus wasn’t born December 25^th

-You don’t deserve anything for Christmas

-There are a lot of people that are better than you at everything you’re good at. 

The easist virture is candor; the hardest, humility

It’s nice to see people not give in to peer pressure once and awhile. I’m not one of those people that believe that peer pressure is inherently bad, but I am a person that is inspired when I see someone resist something that everyone else is indulging in because they don’t believe in indulging in that thing. What is it about people standing up for what they believe in that makes them so attractive? What is it about someone having honor that makes you want to follow them? I’m the type of person that can be a follower if I just found someone amazing to lead me. The sucky thing here is that the example is always William Wallace. The good thing is that William had steadfastness and stood for something and wasn’t willing to step back from that thing which he believed in. The bad thing is that I can’t think of anyone I know that did the same thing. Perhaps I’m thinking on too large a scale and should keep in mind the small times when people did that. Maybe it’s my good friends withstanding from sex because they are waiting to do it with their husband or maybe it’s someone resisting a cookie because they know they shouldn’t have another one, and not make a big deal about it.

These things are good but I’ve just decided that they are too small and they are not the things that I’m thinking about. I want someone to fight tooth and nail for something that they believe in. I want someone to have such a resolve to do something that they will stop at nothing till that thing is materialized. Of course I don’t want the people that are doing this to be doing it for the wrong reasons but the right ones. I guess the obvious example of the wrong reason is the people that fight for the lives of any type of animal, especially when it interferes with the lives of humans struggling to survive themselves.  Humans are always more important than any animal. One human is more important to me and to God than all the animals on the planet combined. God knows when a dove hits the ground and dies and he knows how many hairs are on your head and my balding one. How much more does he take care of you?

I want to note here that there is a common misconception about things that you shouldn’t be peer pressured into doing and the list includes, but is not limited to: smoking (anything), drinking alcohol, things that are illegal (with many exceptions),  things that the person doesn’t want to do, things that a person is resistant towards. This can be explained more but I don’t feel like explaining it so just think about it for a little while. Peer pressure is good and like most everything on the planet is not inherently bad.

Moving on I would argue that everyone is enchanted by the person that has valor. I would argue that there is something about the person that stands up for what they believe, that they are able to lead revolutions and revolts just based on their passion. I’ve been reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and he makes some strong points that are hard to rival. I’ve also found that standing for something in life is way better than not standing for something. It, in a sense, gives you purpose and a drive in you that you almost didn’t even know existed.

So I’ll ask you if you want to join me. If you want to join me on standing up for what’s right in life and resisting what’s wrong. I want to ask you if you’re interested in being someone that is not afraid to step up to the people in life that are harming and not helping. I’m asking you if you’re willing to punch someone that’s harassing someone that can’t defend themselves. I’m asking you if you’re capable of doing more than you are not and sacrificing a little bit of your life for someone that’s weaker than you. I’m asking if you would get out of your comfort zone for a day and see how it feels to not be afraid of confrontation, or people not liking you, or people judging you, or people laughing at you, or people mocking the things you do, even if those people are your friends. It’s hard and it takes resolve…but try it. Do it. For me and for your friends that think you’re a wimp, and for your fellow man.

I can tell you something that I’ve done that is wildly full of anxiety for me in my life. Today I went into my teachers office and admitted cheating on a test. It wasn’t a premeditated cheated but more an opportunistic one.  I didn’t know the material and someone that is smart put their scantron in front of me on the teachers table and I just coped the whole thing, changed some answers, and got a 70. I don’t want to be a cheater, and I don’t want to be someone known for being dishonest but I do want to be someone that is known for making mistakes right and that is what I did today. The teacher looked at the wall and said that my test grade was in line with my other tests and that he had a lot to do so we would pretend that it didn’t happen. I sort of felt even more like a cheat after this happened. I felt that justice should be served and I should have been given an f…and maybe even expelled from school. My friends said I was crazy for this but I’d rather be honest and throw away $25,000 than be a liar and know that I am the rest of my life.  While the consequences for my actions weren’t as stiff a penalty at all to deal with like I thought they would be, I’ve come to the realization that I want to stand up for honesty and truth and not deceitfulness and lies, regardless of the consequences. Please follow my lead and fess up to someone that you’ve wronged.  If you look closely honesty is an example of a virtue and my goal in life is to be virtuous. It’s not crazy to be virtuous, it’s amazing. The feeling being a cheat and a liar is almost unbearable for the human soul…and you just feel crappy.

Before you’re finished with me, please go to this Wikipedia page about virtue and read the list of examples of virtue. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virtue. Print off the list and mark next to each one the virtues that you think you have and look at the ones that you don’t. This is the best list out of all the lists for anything I’ve ever seen. And this list inspires me to be more than anything I am now. Some of the virtues I didn’t even know.

Things to read:

Mere Christianity, for those of you who are too intellectual to believe in God

Links to amazing things:

Google wave: http://wave.google.com/help/wave/about.html#video

Creativity test: http://www.creax.com/csa/frame.asp?session=zero

I keep secrets the way you talk; non-stop

I’ve figured out some things in my quarter century of life here on Earth and one of those things is that people, no matter how close to you, can’t keep secrets. Even the ones that they say they won’t tell anyone will eventually tell…not on purpose or with any sort of malicious intent but just because the secrets that you want people to keep are more important to you than they are to your friends and, since they don’t regard them in a high enough manner, they in turn don’t remember that you asked them to keep it a secret. I’ve found that the best way to keep a secret is to not talk. Not not talk about the secret but just to limit your talking altogether. If you aren’t talking, it’s impossible to tell a secret because you aren’t able to. It’s impossible actually to tell someone something if you aren’t talking. No one would ever write down your secret on accident because then they would realize what they are doing.

I don't tell people secrets. I actually don't tell so many secrets that I forget some of the secrets that I was suppose to keep. People think that I tell a lot of people's business but if someone asks me to keep a secret I will never tell anyone.

People talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk about the dumbest things. I sit in the cafeteria listening to people talk about this or that. Movies, talk shows, Kim Kardashian, homework “oh my God can you believe how much he sucks, I know, I have like three papers due by tomorrow, I know it’s crazy, it’s going to be a long night at the library, I know thank God for Thanksgiving.” The worse part about it is that I participate in these ridiculous conversations with people. It’s almost impossible not to open your mouth and talk about stupid things that make no difference in the world to anyone or anything.  I don’t answer people anymore when they ask me how I’m doing in passing. It’s a pretty awesome technique. I’m slowly mastering it.

You might ask then, Page if people are all talking about stupid stuff, what should we be talking about and I would say we should be talking about the things in life that scare us the most. We should be talking about the things in life that we fear the most. We should be talking about our deepest hurts. We should be talking about the things in life that make our spirits fly. We should be talking about things that make us uncomfortable. We should challenge more people to shut the hell up. I wish there was a more calm way to say it and I don’t mean to swear but that’s just what it takes…sometimes no one will hear you because they are too busy talking. Please just shut up. Stop talking so much. Just stop talking. When you think about talking just don’t and see what happens. Look someone in the eye when they say something and see what happens.  Ask them, “why do you talk so much?” And the answer is they are scared to death about talking about things that hurt them.

Maybe though you're the type of person that's afraid to talk to people in general and I want to tell you that I'm not really talking to you. If you're the type of person that really can't hold a conversation with someone than I would say that that's something that you should work on. It's okay to have meaningless conversations with people in order to get to know someones likes and dislikes. I also want to say that just talking about stupid things in order to get to know someone can be a good thing.  Just know that I'm not talking to you in general if you're someone that is uncomfortable speaking in front of people.

So in order to not be a hypocrite, I’ll share something with you that I’d prefer not to.

I am afraid of getting married because my mom left my dad after 24 some odd years of marriage. (She would see it differently but I don’t, and I’ve told her so)  I haven’t been in a significant relationship since my mom left the house when I was 18. The relationship I was in fell apart because I was so demanding for love, that she stay and not leave me, that she left. It’s been 6 years since I’ve had a relationship. 6 years. 72 months.  2160 days. 51,840 hours. 3,110,400 minutes. 186,624,000 seconds.  18,662,400,000 milliseconds. I don’t know if there is anything smaller than a millisecond. But who cares you get the idea. It’s been a long time. And going on seven…an even longer time.  And I’ve had several amazing women come in my life that I should of dated but I drove them all away. Every single one of them. I don’t want to list them but it’s an amazing list of amazing women. Looking for love in all the right places…and then telling them to leave. Man, I should write a song.

My favorite verse of the Bible is Proverbs 17:28 which says “Even the foolish man, when he keeps quiet, is taken to be wise: when his lips are shut he is credited with good sense.”

This is crazy to me because so many times I feel I have to defend myself. With my friends, with my classmates, with my enemies, with everyone that isn’t hearing me right. It’s so hard defending oneself all the time.

All this is ironic because I received “most talkative” for my senior superlative. What an awful award. I went into the yearbook office and asked if I could receive another award that I got less votes for but still won…they said no but they would put something more friendly on it like “most likely to say hello.” They didn’t. And to this day I’m working on being more and more quiet. I’m also working on helping other people not talk so much.

One way of not speaking is to ask more questions. Instead of talking about your life to someone, try asking someone a question and when they answer ask a follow up one. And then keep asking questions. Don’t even give your advice. Just ask and ask and ask. It usually helps people a lot too. Other people have a lot to say that they have bottled up and no one is asking them the right questions or even questions at all…because people are too busy talking. Get out of your comfortable crappy box and get into someone else’s life in a raw real way. It will bless you. I promise.

Ephesians 25-32 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit."

Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.
Proverbs 12:16 A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult. NIV

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 16:32 Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city. NIV
*Proverbs 25:11 A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. (so so legit a verse)

Proverbs 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. 

I wish you the best. Love. War. 

If my family doesn't give me a joyful funeral I'll haunt them forever

People like me. Not people in general but people in specific. The people that like me like me because I’m not a bullshitter. I don’t bull shit. I'm honest shit. Which is funny to me because people tell me that I’m good at BSing even though I don’t really BS. I don’t know. Maybe I’m out of touch with who I really am and all people see me as a BSer. So if you’re one of those people then I’ll tell you that I’m not trying to BS. One thing I do know is that I’m annoying. God am I annoying. Shoot I might even annoy God. I’m not sure why I’m annoying or what about life makes me want to annoy my friends. I think I annoy them because if they still hang out with me while I’m annoying then I know they really love me. Insecurities plague me like a leech in my rectum.

There have been a lot of feelings ripping through my head as of late. Someone once told me that I was intelligent because I ask a lot of questions and asking a lot of questions is a sign of curiosity and intelligent people are curious. I then thought that I don’t know if that’s what makes someone intelligent or not. I do think that there are intelligent people that aren’t curious and curious people who aren’t intelligent. I think stupid people are curious also and even smart for being curious so maybe they aren’t stupid at all. Is it possible to be intelligent and curious? Of course.

I went to church this morning and during the service my pastor had an interview on stage with one of his friends. He was an artist, a singer-songwriter. This particular person was seriously involved with someone that had been tragically murdered. He said this statement today and I frantically wrote it down on my friends receipt because I thought it touched greatly on what I felt in my life, “Grief can be temporarily overcome by human contact, or interaction, or touch, but when you’re alone you’re overcome with a heavy burden and sadness that you face head on.” I also wrote this on the receipt “the color yellow and white are really close to each other.” Goodness grief. What the hell do you do with grief? What if you don’t want to face it? My step-brother’s father died about seven years ago and he still isn’t over it. I want to cry thinking about it. I cry for people I know that hurt. I’ve tried to open up to him but I don’t think he wants to yet. I guess I don’t blame him. I used to think why doesn’t he just get over it? I think now that I hate myself for thinking such an ignorant thing. I’m going to spend more time praying for him.

But death isn’t exclusive. It hits everyone everywhere. Death death death. Does thinking about death make you dark? Or even a dark person? What I mean by dark is not happy all the time. Or even a perceived happiness. Who is happy all the time? I’m not. There are times of happiness and times of sadness, times of joy and times of despair…but hope still remains. Hope. It’s hope that gets my through the day and hope that will get my through this life.

Death is something that I can’t even really think about without extreme curiosity. I’ve thought of the common questions like how am I going to die, how would I like to die, what the most painful way to die is, and if I died who would be the most affected. These aren’t the things that I’m curious about anymore though. Death, if someone I loved died how long would it take me to get over it? Would I leave and never come back? If I died tonight would the funeral be packed with people that I didn’t even really know that I affected throughout my life? Satan wants people to die…but God uses death for his goodness…and just plain goodness.

If you’re dealing with someone dying in your life and you haven’t yet grieved over the situation, now is the time to do that. Allow yourself time to grieve. If someone you know died it’s time to forgive them. They can’t make it right. They are dead. They would want you to be able to live your life the way God wants you to live your life, in a deep, heartfelt, passionate relationship with him and the people around you. You can still have a relationship with Jesus while you hate him and people. Trust me, I know.

A good friend of mine one time said this:

“No I don’t want to battle from beginning to end, I don’t want to cycle or recycle revenge, I don’t want to follow death and all of his friends”

I believe that the way that we don’t follow death, or Satan, is to love. I’m not talking about the loving that the coexist sticker so mistakenly preaches but the love that comes from sacrifice. The love that comes from stopping what you are doing to help someone that needs help. The love that is shown by forfeiting the things you love to visit someone in the hospital or in jail or in a homeless shelter. The love that we see people do for no reason other than Jesus demanding it; this is the love that changes the world. 

We can spend our whole lives fighting against things that don’t matter or we can spend our lives fighting for people that can’t fight for themselves: the widow, the orphan, and the poor. Please take some time today to enlist your services to something greater than yourself by humbling yourself lower than what you would want to.  In the end these are the things that we’ll be judged on and not anything else.

Read this crap:

Matthew 25: 31-46  http://niv.scripturetext.com/matthew/25.htm

Think about this crap:

-Getting older while other people are staying the same age.

-Someone convincing you of something you know not to be true about yourself

-Yellow…being so close to the color white. (in the right light they look the same.)

-If scientists say dogs mouths are cleaner than humans than we need a new standard in which we measure cleanliness.

-You can’t deny death or life, or God giving both. It's too obvious.

Politics ran through my veins like blood runs from noses

I used to follow politics more than anyone you know.  I watched the news every night, read large amounts of articles that were written about the very important, various happenings of that day, and was even a member of RUSH 24/7 where I downloaded all of Rush’s shows straight to my iTunes and listened to hours and hours of his wonderful show. I knew the Constitution, could name all the Supreme Court justices, knew almost every reporter on CNN and Foxnews and even yelled at the TV when people were saying things that disagreed with my views on politics and life. I did all this for my political talk show I had on my college radio station called Politics with Page. The show was one day a week for three hours. I had a lot of fun being on the radio, talking about politics, and listening to myself talk about politics. People would call the show every so often and we would discuss things from Newt Gingrich running for president, to George W. Bush’s decision to go to war, to Walter Williams’s discussion of economics in the US, hell I even threw in some Maddox. (crappy children’s art work is the best by far) I was so immersed in politics that I had an opinion on every issue; gay marriage, ungay marriage, illegal immigration, legal immigration, the death penalty, the life penalty, fishing licenses, NATO, NAFTA, the UN, the role of states in the Union, and the drudgereport.com (you didn’t think this could be an issue…but it was back in the day). It was only difficult for me on a few occasions to fill the three hours with my opinions.

I argued with my political science professor when he said things that were untrue and told my fellow students during class that they didn’t have to listen to the things that he was saying, to question everything they heard. I was wrong from time to time but I stood firm in my opinions. I called Senators and told them my thoughts. I discussed in great length politics with everyone I came in contact with, argued with the idiots, and learned from the brilliants. I went to Washington and visited my senator’s office in the capital building. I also took a tour of the pathetic, artsy, unused portion of that great building. I attempted, to no avail on two different occasions, to run for student body president.

Do I need to go on? I loved politics. The culmination of my love for politics and arguing happened last year in the ’08 to ’09 school year when I decided to put my money where my mouth was and actually get into politics in my school’s SGA. I entered with high hopes, discussed the different bills that were written by various senators, as stupid as they were, and actually cared a lot about what I was doing. I ended the year with a very huge sour taste in my mouth. The head of my committee stabbed his own committee in the back in his final speech before senate and took us all by surprise. I let him know in our last committee meeting of the year what I thought about his actions…in a very manly way.  

I now don’t love politics. I actually don’t really watch the news any more than keeping up with what’s going on in the US and the world to be able to have conversations with people about current events. The conversations though usually made me want to jab forks in their eyes. I’m sick of the vanity of it all. I spent countless hours arguing with people about how their input mattered and that senators listened to them when they called but now I don’t spend seconds trying to convince people that they matter. They don’t. Or rather their ideas don’t. What we need is a revolution. A revolution with blood and guns and fighting and crying and hate and love and maybe even swords, and defiantly a purpose. We won’t have anything of that sort though because my peers are too passive. The men I know don’t fight anyone in real life but rather spend all their time fighting alongside the Master Chief as they defend Earth from the High Prophet of Regret. That’s Halo I, II, and III for all the ladies out there and the woman are too busy making sure all the men aren’t fighting. It’s really sick.

I used to be an idealist and I still am but every representative and senator would have to die in order for there to be any real progress to happen. My friends tell me that I need a revolution to fight and I would agree. But I couldn’t find more than 10 people that would be willing to fight one with me. Also, I’m all talk and so are you. Even if you and I wanted to start a revolution, we wouldn’t be able to because there in the near future, I believe, isn’t going to be anywhere to buy weapons. Of course if I was really planning a revolution I wouldn’t blog about it. The CIA and FBI have so close tabs on everything you write about you’d be stupid to ever try anything that goes against them. And there lies the problem. Get real. Love. War.

News articles to read that indirectly show the attitude of the people that are in power over us.

Obama's administration created congressional districts?

Walter Williams speaks on Constitutional Contempt

Guns in America

Crappy Childrens ART

Winks from the soul save people from hell

I’ve been winking at a lot of people recently. Winking is one of those amazing non-verbals that says way more than a lot of other non-verbals. Winking, I believe, is even more powerful than the middle finger on the personal level. The middle finger says a lot, I guess. And people still get offended to some level when they get flicked off but I would say the middle finger has lost a lot of its weight in America. Actually, when someone flicks me off, the first thing I think is: “is that a joke?” I don’t get alarmed unless it’s serious and from someone I know.

There are a few other non-verbals that portray some sort of emotion: waving, blowing a kiss, smiling, shaking your head up or down. I still think the most passionate one is the wink. A wink says something more intense than any other non-verbal. It says passion. It says red. It says I have a secret for you, it says I see only you, it says we know something together that no one else knows, it says I want to get your attention and not let anyone else know I’m doing it. The wink is secretive, alluring, and very raw.

So why have I been winking at people then. I’m not winking at people to say any of those things at all. I’m winking because I’m fed up with the world.

I’d like now to talk about some examples of things that make me hate life and the world. When I walk by girls and they are talking about shopping and needing to buy more clothes. When my friends leave hanging out with me to watch a terribly, dense TV show or when people don’t want to spend time with me because of TV. The billions of people on the Earth all doing the same thing; breathing, eating, pooping, talking, dying, killing, having sex. It’s wildly depressing. When I see people not helping people because they think they are more important than them (they don’t really know they think that but that’s the reason why they aren’t helping, pride). When people talk about being green or going green and they are really passionate about it. People that care more about dying animals than dying people. Vegetarians. (I love you Katie Booker) Just to name a few.

What I’m doing is merely substituting a wink for a hi, hello, or what’s up. Moody people almost always have to figure out ways to say hi without saying anything in particular. When I walk around in my lackluster view of the world it’s easy to not want to talk to anyone. It’s even better though if you can come up with something that people don’t understand. That way no one will challenge you on it and maybe even write you off as being weird. The best way to get away with doing anything is if people just write you off as being weird. Winking to say hello is one of them. People take a wink as personal. So when I do it I’m appealing to that person’s individual desire to be known by someone or me in particular. Everyone wants to really be known by someone.  And here comes the problem, the fatal flaw, the coup de jour.  Everyone wants to be known but they are looking to be known by man, not by God. This is the problem because no man can know you through and through. The only thing that exists that can know you…even better than you know yourself is God. He knows how many hairs are on your head right now, and he knows when a sparrow hits the ground and dies.

Why is it that the people that we love the most we don’t treat with the most love? We snap at people that we would call our best friends. Why is it that when we see someone we love that we just saw the day before that we could really care less about them?  I think the answer is that we care too much about this world…too much about the stupid things that we’re doing everyday to get by. I think the answer is that we are selfish. I think it’s because we care more about ourselves than about anyone else. I think that if you really stopped and looked at yourself, that you care more about yourself than anyone else in the world when it comes down to it. If you’re the handful of people that I know that aren’t like this, I thank you for caring about others more than yourself.

I want to say that despite my cynical approach to life, in this current stage in my life, I still believe that God is good and he will always be good. Just because I don’t understand fully why things happen doesn’t mean that I believe any less in the goodness of my creator. I’d also like to say that there are a lot of things I love about people but in general the masses make me want to not talk to people so I resort to winking to the masses. Telling them I love you and that I have a secret to tell you but I don’t want to do it through more small talk and pats on the back.

I called the hospital yesterday to see when I could come in and visit people there that have no one to come visit them. See the thing is that I’m one of you. I care more about myself than I care about other people but the difference is that I want to start changing and I’m doing just that. It only took me 24 years to understand it this much and who knows what’s going to happen after another 24. I love you and life, sometimes. Love. War.

C'est la vie!

Some things to think about.

-Ron Paul in 2012

-Not using Facebook ever again

-Writing your grandparents a letter

-Why I write to you

-How much your mom really loves you despite what you think

The best part about being a man is that I'm not a woman.

One of my friends calls me a kitten. It’s usually via text and it’s usually her playing around about how I’m a smitten kitten in regards to my love for her. I text her back, I’m a man, not a kitten.  Whenever she calls me a kitten a part of my manhood dies. I sit here and think. Does she want me to be a kitten or a man? Does she know what a man is? Does she think I’m a man? Am I a man? Why does she think it’s okay to call me a kitten?

Then there’s this advertisement on playlist.com for World of Warcraft which reads in dramatic images

“Over 11 million people…next slide… have experienced the intensity…next slide… now it’s your turn, 10 day free trial. As the tag line says, it’s not a game, it’s a world. Why does World of Warcraft give you a 10 day free trial? Because they know if they can just get a boy, who’s old enough to be a man, to spend a few hours in a reality that isn’t real and creates a world where a man can fight for something, live outside his comfort zone, and decide where he wants to go and when he wants to go there that they will get a that boy to play and pay for a lifetime. In case you were unsure World of Warcraft is a game and isn’t a world at all.

Or how about football, this imitation of war; two sides fighting against each other in sport, meaningless sport that millions of men and woman watch every week I believe all longing for something else but it doesn’t exist.

Why is it that I walk around wanted to break and destroy things? And furthermore why is it that instead of actually doing it I just instead give a heavy sigh.  Is this feeling only felt by me? Am I the only one that’s dying inside to matter on a larger scale? Am I the only person that feels he doesn’t have an outlet for his God given aggression?  Woman and society (more the intellectual society) ask the men in their lives to be calmer, quieter, and more passive and more like females.  This aggression that I share with all my fellow males around the world with no outlet, with no noble purpose is wasting away in the depths or our souls. Depressed men walk around with no purpose felling dead or men that lie in their beds wondering why get out of them when life is so boring, dull and controllable.

I have come to some conclusions about my life recently and I’d like to share them with you. The first is that my God isn’t controllable and since I’m made in his image there is a part of me that desires the uncontrolled. Second is that I’m done with being passive. Nothing kills me soul more than not standing up for the things I believe in. Nothing makes me want to die more than not having the ability to fight in a real battle. I care less and less what people think about me the older I get. And the older I get the more and more fed up I get with this “civilized society.”

I’ve realized why the past year of my life I’ve been depressed. I’m realized why for as long as I can remember I’ve not been content with where I am in life and it all boils down to my manhood and the things that make me a man. Woman and men are different. And I don’t want you to think that when I say something about a man that I think that the opposite is true for a woman. For example, if I say men want an adventure that doesn’t mean I think woman don’t. When I make a statement don’t read into that statement anything more than what I’m saying. Men and women are different and it’s a beautiful design made by a beautiful creator.

I drive a motorcycle and the number one thing I have heard people tell me is you’re going to die on that thing. Maybe that’s the point and I haven’t really been able to explain it in entirety at all. I’m sick of living this boring, passive, futile life. Maybe the reason that I drive a motorcycle is to die…or rather to feel alive enough to die. Maybe I’m not afraid of death or its consequences. And maybe I would invite death to come as long as I get a battle to fight and a woman to save.

With all that being said what is that my heart longs to do. I want to run with gazelle and hunt wild untamed creatures. I want to not know where I’m going to get food for that day to survive and not be able to eat until I find, kill, prepare and eat that food. I want to fear for my life in a way that shows me I’m alive and by no means in control. I want to come face to face with God in his nature and prevail as the one that has conquered. What man doesn’t want his nickname to be the conqueror?  What I don’t want is to look at my cell phone again to see if I have another text message. God save me and my soul.

I don’t even know everything I want to say really other than this. If you’re a man, it’s okay to stand up and be a man, to fail and then try again and then fail and try again. Dignity, honor, and character are all real things that every man should aspire to. If you’re a man and you’re tired of the life you’re living make a change. Be more fierce. Be proud at the right times and always humble. Find an adventure to live and a woman to live that adventure with. I’m in the process of doing this right now. The problem is finding a woman that doesn’t want you to be a cowardly, passive wimp and supports you in your search of manhood.

If you’re a woman try first understanding what makes a man a man before you tell him to do something that you think he should do. Try to see us men through the eyes of God and us men and not through your eyes. You want us to be tame but we don’t want to be tamed…and if I were to be quite honest with you I would say that you don’t really want to marry a tame man. No woman watches Disney movies and desires for the male role to be a passive wimp,  an insecure man that doesn’t know his role and that doesn’t know how to ride a horse and fight. You want to marry a man who will defend you and love you and fight for you and I believe you also want to go on an adventure with this man. Both of you conquering the world together in this untamed place we call Earth. Don’t marry a man that you can baby and be his mother.

I write all this to you and fear in my head that you think that these things are all fantasies.  That you’ll never find a man that wants to be a man. I fear that too but I’ll tell you that the more constructive encouraging you do to the men around you, not letting them settle for being wimps, the more likely you’re find a man and have a wonderful, happy, secure wild and exciting life for the rest of your life…together.

I also want to say that there are plenty of real battles to fight that are life and death. There are millions of people on this world that need someone to fight for them. There are people that are displaced, abandoned, orphaned and just plain bullied. We need real men to stand up to the bullies and tyrants. And maybe kill them. Wouldn't that be amazing. Love. War.

Please read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge

Song of Soloman by Soloman

And Proverbs in the Old Testament of the Bible

For a better understand of what I’m talking about.

Into the buck-wild...if only Oprah was with us

My hands were freezing and I wasn’t wearing gloves. While I was running around trying to get warm Ryan sort of did this little dance that I thought was funny but I didn’t tell him. We were both really wet and we had a 6 mile hike in front of us. It was our third day and we had already hiked 10 miles; our goal was 23 and the elements showed no sign of letting up. Snow was coming down now more than I had seen in a year. It wasn’t soft and fluffy the kind of snow you see in a winter wonderland but rather hard, small, and particularly annoying.

It was the AT, a trail that takes the lives of hikers every year due to inadequate planning and other various things. I wasn’t afraid that the trail would consume my life like some others that have come before me but I did think that it had the real potential to if we didn’t deviate from the original plan. 

Two days earlier, we had begun our journey. Ryan and I had never hiked the AT before and so we weren’t really sure what it looked like or anything. I thought probably it was just a trail like any other but famous. I was right.

God gives good gifts.  Our gift the first night was a shelter that we shared with a guy named Caveman, another guy named Ken and a soaking wet dog named Nemo, who smelled exactly like a wet dog.  When we showed up it was raining and dark. Before we got to the shelter we were looking for a camp spot and nothing looked good, partly because it was hard to see with just your headlamps, and partly because it was raining, and partly because I didn’t want to stop and camp anywhere besides the shelter. So we pressed on.

Altitude makes a difference.  Cold and wet at 3,500 feet is miserable.  Cold and wet at 5,200 feet is dangerous and we were hovering somewhere between 4,900 and 5,400 feet at any given point in the trail. Our good friend GPS told us that.  

After we started the hike that day we came to a road and a parking lot which had trail information and a bathroom. There were about 5 cars there that all left within 5 minutes of us arriving so I asked Ryan how he was feeling, because he was more soaking wet than I was, and he said that he didn’t mind to keep hiking.  I went to the bathroom and then we were on our way.  If it wasn’t enough that I couldn’t open the fence that we had to go through to keep hiking the weather at 29 degrees with a wind chill factor in the teens was encouraging me to stop.  The fence was frozen and I was frustrated so I kicked it. I laughed with Ryan about how crazy our situation was and how crazy it could become if we didn’t stop.

Our plan was to hike 6.3 miles to a shelter and stay there the night. Get dry, wake up, and hike around 6 more to 2 mountain bikes that we hid in the woods, hid our packs, and bike downhill 23 miles to our car, and then come back and get our gear.  If for some reason the shelter was full or any other accident might of happened we would have been in trouble because we needed dry clothes if we were going to not catch hypothermia. I called it off. I said Ryan let’s just hitchhike back to our car. After the first couple cars passed me we devised a new plan. Ryan said I think the problem is that people might be afraid of the way you look. With my beard the longest it’s even been in American and a military poncho that covered my whole body I thought he was probably right. “How do I look” he said…I said great, with a little sarcasm in my voice wondering what the hell he was talking about.  He said he wished he was wearing nicer business clothes.  I said like a brief case?  No like a polo and some khakis. I laughed and thought yeah I wish you were wearing that stuff too; we’d probably be a lot more likely to get a ride. The first car passed, it was clipping along, it was foggy, and the guy in the truck specifically didn’t make eye contact with Ryan. He came back and told me and I yelled I’m freezing.  I said let’s pray so we did and 2 minutes later 2 church vans passed going the other direction. They were Methodists.  We didn’t even try to hitch a ride with them. I wondered if God was messing with us. I looked up and yelled I’m sorry we didn’t try to get those vans, send some more God!

The wind hadn’t let up even a little bit and so we kept trying. The next vehicle that came was a truck and I said Ryan go, go! He ran over to the road and put out his thumb. The truck slowed, put on its blinker, and turned into the parking lot.  I saw Ryan talk to the guy for a minute then he yelled at me, Page I’ll be back to pick you up , I thought, I could just come to you guys, then he got in the truck and left and it hit me that he meant after he got the car. I had a good hour to wait before he got back. I went in the bathroom, locked the door, and set up shop.

I put on the only dry clothes I had, including wool socks (I love wool socks) and put air in my Therma-rest, got out Ryan’s stove, warmed my feet and hands, and then cooked freeze dried lasagna with meat sauce.  Right when Ryan got back a cool hour later I had just started my feast. I was pretty sprawled out on the bathroom floor and Ryan started to put all the gear in the back of his car. It took 5 trips. We laughed a bunch, warmed up, got the bikes, and headed due South for Boonetown. I wish we would have been able to finish our trip…but there’s always tomorrow. 

It felt like war with a victim of one

The bouncer ran in and yelled at the top of his lungs to the bartenders, “hey call the police!” I immediately got up and went to see what was going on, thinking I could help in some way. Blood was running down his face as he positioned himself against the wall where he leaned so he didn’t fall. He was crying and saying my head hurts.  I brought him outside where he said he had to pee...everyone was so concerned for him. He could barely walk so I propped my 135 lb frame under his 170lb body and helped him walk to a place where he could rest. I told him to pee where he was. He immediately dind’t have to pee. We got him water and ice and waited for the cops to come. He didn’t even know who he was or if he did he wasn’t saying much of anything. It took him literally 10 seconds to tell us his last name.

I felt bad for Scott in a way. He had left the bar and got jumped by these two other guys. They wanted to fight him in the bar so when he left they took the opportunity to beat him. I don’t know the details because obviously Scott was pretty loose with them also. The officer whose name was Kat asked me if I was his roommate and I told her I didn’t even know him.  He said if my friends were here I wouldn’t have gotten jumped. It’s sad but the whole time at various points I couldn’t help but laugh. The situation was sort of stupid really but he was so right. Where were his friends?

It felt like war with a victim of one.  Pain and suffering with logic or concentration of what’s going on. Some coherent and others wondering where they are.

“Scott you need to take deeper breaths because you’re hyperventilating, okay? Scott breath in deep with me okay, we’re going to take a deep break together okay?”  The things I tried worked to some degree but when the paramedics told Scott that if he didn’t settle down they would force him to get into the ambulance it seemed to settle him down a bit. He didn’t have insurance and was scared that he wasn’t going to be able to pay the hospital bill. I told him the same thing happened to me 3 months ago 100 yards from where he was and that the hospital bill wasn’t that expensive.

So why the story? It’s not about Scott…I mean really who cares about Scott. He’ll go to the hospital and be fine in 2 days;  be thinking clearly and have sound judgment, maybe with a little nice hospital bill to pay.  I could probably relate it to Jesus but it’d be a cheesy stretch. I could talk about the pain that people endure and the hardships that one faces in their lives but you wouldn’t believe me. Or what about the ability for man to overcome…get real. I could talk about man and how he’s violent to the point of beating someone alone who’s innocent and defenseless. No I’m going to make it a lot more simple than that.  

When Scott got in the car with his friends to drive him to the hospital I looked down at my hands and noticed I didn’t have any blood on them.

Pretty girls are better to look at than guys...especially if they're foreign

What the hell’s going on inside my head? It’s beautiful outside and I’m sitting inside the library looking at all these people typing away, some apparently working. The girl directly across from me chewing on her nails in a particularly disguising way, another on the next aisle looks like she’s been here all night, and then another beautiful girl sitting at the end of the row whom I keep looking at. That girl, the one at the end of the row, is violating a fashion rule in that she’s wearing a dark bra with a white tank top. I suppose I don’t mind because she’s beautiful. I allow beautiful girls to get away with doing things I don’t typically allow. Who knows why. I don’t think I like this fact about me but that’s life. This girl here is the only thing helping me keep my sanity.

I came to the library because I was sitting at home. The people that were in town visiting left and that left me sitting in my family room. There were a lot of things that I could of done, all things I need to get done: clean my room, move the new boxes from moving out of the family room, clean my camping gear from the camping trip last night. But all the things I didn’t feel like doing. What I did feel like doing was getting out of the house so that’s what I did. Some loser is now talking to my pretty friend. They both look foreign. I don’t understand foreign people in general. What certain foreign girls see in certain foreign guys. He probably knows all the countries and capitals by heart and can play the bassoon or something. Damn foreign guys talking all the foreign women. I just made eye contact with foreign guy. His shirts is pretty awesome. She doesn’t seem that interested. Foreign guy left. Maybe they’re brother and sister both studying abroad in Boone NC. Syke.

This brings me to what I want to talk to you about on this fine Labor day 2009; priorities. About a year ago I gave up Yonks Clothing. I didn’t know why I just had the faith that was what I suppose to do. This year I stopped doing SGA at my college, something which took up most of my time last year. I’ve even thought of leaving the a cappella group I’m in. I’ve pretty much freed up everything from my schedule save work and school all for one reason and I’m not sure what that reason is yet. I think it’s to do something that I haven’t yet thought of yet.

Two weeks ago Valentina and I sat in Boone Saloon brainstorming the things I’m good at and the things I love. The list of the things I’m good at was this exactly:

• Talking
• Making friends
• Pool
• Collecting things
• Understanding
• Loud
• Helpful
• Go-getting spirit
• Flexible
• Good dresser/care about fashion
• Creative ideas
• Good listener
• And doesn’t care about the law.

The list of things I love was this:

• Girls
• Africa
• Clothes
• Furniture
• Women
• Jesus
• Helping people
• Valentina
• New stuff
• Arguing/debating/convincing

Obviously Valentina had some help in the content of these lists but that aside I’m sitting here thinking what is the next step in my life; this last year of college before I made some huge life decisions. So I’m here trying to think of careers that my personality and the things I love would be geared towards…and so far I’ve come up with like one thing. I want to sell people. I don’t know how or why or when or where or what but I do know that I don’t think I want to sell products but rather people. Let me know what you think about this.

It's a bird, no it's a plane, no it's Harry Fing Potter

I think I’ve spend a lot of my life trying to convince others that I’m a big deal. I know I’m not a big deal I guess I just wish I was and my way of trying to become that is to explain myself into that position. It’s worked for some and hasn’t for most. I want to be a big deal because if I am that means I matter and if I matter I have worth and if I have worth than someone should love me. I know a lot of people love me but this is my logic even though very illogical.

I read in Readers Digest today that most people don’t want advice unless they ask for it. I’m going to give you some advice, take advice from people giving advice, if they are giving advice there’s probably a reason they are giving it, they are probably smarter than you. After you hear what they say you can then determine if they are or aren’t. In multitude of counselors there is safety.

I’ve been reading a lot of different people’s blogs, from friends to strangers, and I’ve noticed a common theme in them and the theme is the blogs are almost always only applicable to the author’s friends or people that know that author. So in essence people’s blogs are just glorified Twitter Twits (or Tweets if you’re up to date on Twit language). I try to write things that everyone can glean some sort of joy, madness, rage, excitement, laughter, or thought from. My blogging isn’t for my friends anymore than it is for strangers. I guess this ties into the beginning. I’ll let you figure out how.

So the rage now at this second is Harry Potter because the movie just came out. (Twilight a month ago and now HP). I’ll preface by saying I haven’t read one book or seen one movie. I’ve tried to avoid it at all costs. The hype of anything scares me. I was writing my cousin an e-mail two days ago explaining to her that in the coffee shop I was sitting in two different tables were talking about Harry Pete; one old people, probably professors, and another my peers, 20 somethings. I guess I have two opinions on the matter. First, I’ll acknowledge that Harry Pete is a “great story” because I trust the opinions of the millions of people that read it but aren’t there probably 100,000 other books out there that have better stories? I mean the Harry Pete series isn’t going to go down in history on any best book ever list. I guess the Harry Pete serious is a lot like reality TV…it doesn’t take much thought to read and comprehend the books because they are wrote on a 3rd grade reading level and people read them to wind down or veg out. (the last statement is meant to belittle Harry Potter readers) Second, aren’t there 5000 kids that just died today because of hunger, disease and thirst? Why aren’t we talking about these things? Maybe we are. Maybe I’m an idiot for hating the constant barrage of popular.

Maybe there aren’t things that matter more than what happened in Harry Potter’s new movie and that it was boring and anti-climatic and is just a filler movie for the next one. Maybe it doesn’t matter that there isn’t any real world application to the books or movies. Maybe people don’t care about things that they don’t know and things they don’t see. Maybe I’m a hypocrite because I’m wearing Polo and am not hungry. Maybe you’re a hypocrite too. Maybe tell me why you’re not a hypocrite and I’ll still have hope in humanity.

When all else fails know that failing is okay

Art is interesting me to. Everyone is capable of it but not everyone does it. I should be studying for an accounting test I have in twenty minutes but the sheer thought of having to do anymore accounting in vexing to say the least. Accounting is the opposite of art I feel. One of my best friends in Boone is getting his masters in Accounting; he’s also a very good guitarist. The general consensus among people is that the mind is geared toward one field and not towards any other fields. I like to consider myself pretty well rounded but I know I have a long way to go.

Art is pretty subjective but still in art there are critics that judge whether or not the art that people create is worthy of recognition. I assume they use subjective objectivity to determine this. I enjoy these critics immensely. Not because they judge peoples art and stifle peoples creativity but rather because they cause artists too look at their work more objectively and see the things they do that’s good and bad. It’s like without the critics people would just go creating art that they personally think is amazing but really is personally awful.

There are people that create art for the enjoyment and then those that do it to make a living. Of course you could create a Venn diagram between this relationship and the middle might contain more people than the sides but for sake of argument these two types of artists both strive to make the best art possible. This makes me think about my life. When I think about it I know I’m capable of performing at an A level but I rarely do and I ask myself why.

I sometimes think that if I was amazing at something I wouldn’t want to take credit for it. When awards would be given to me in my honor I wouldn’t receive the them because I’d be so amazing that I’d be above the awards given to me by the “critics.” But when I go in to take a test I try as hard as I can on the test in the desire to make the best grade possible. I don’t know anyone that goes into a test trying to make a C or a D. Furthermore I don’t know anyone smart enough to be able to do this. The people that are smart want recognition for being smart by making good grades and the people that are stupid are trying their best to make the grades that the smart people make to not look stupid in that particular field. I would love to find someone who is brilliant and so brilliant that they don’t care about grades and purposely make a C on assignments and tests to prove a point; that the grading system we use to judge someone isn’t what we should be using to judge someone. We should judge the heart; if we were capable.

A professor once told me that grad schools and future employers use grades to determine your worth to that grad school or business because each professor is like a different boss and your level of work you’re willing to do in that particular course shows how hard you work for a whole slew of different bosses. This makes sense I guess to a certain extent but then I wonder where I would fit into this. I enjoy making good grades when the subject is easy to me but when it’s hard I don’t study enough to make the grades that my classmates so much desire. Maybe it’s because the idea of having 40 different bosses in 4 years isn’t something that sounds desirable. So in turn I don’t try hard. I know this liberal arts degree is just something that I need to get ahead in life. (I wish the other liberal arts I participate in that aren’t class were also graded and added to my transcript) So one would ask “Page if you know that the better grades you make the more ahead in life you would be” I would just agree and disagree. It all depends on where you’re trying to get in life. Of course this goes again back to the brilliance of the individual as a whole.
The more brilliant the individual the more capable they are of choosing their own destiny that they desire.

The more brilliant I am, or am perceived, the greater ability I have to get ahead in life. But really it’s all about attitude, hard work, and who you know at the end of the day that matters. All this being said I’m going to do my best on my accounting test. Try to make an A…probably make a B and deserve to make a C (thanks multiple choice)

Sometimes it’s better to write than study. I’m now 5 minutes late for my class…and my test. Thank goodness I’m a senior and know this doesn’t matter. You have the whole class period to take it.

Keep your bailout check I'll handle this one on my own

I drove home in my 92 Chevy S-10. The weather was light. It had just rained one of those annoying mid afternoon “I’m raining to annoy people” rains. I turned my head out of the, always rolled down, window to see ¾ of a multi-colored rainbow. Not the kind that the gays use to promote their general welfare but rather the kind that God uses to remind us he’s never going to flood the Earth again. I thought to myself that it’s weird that I’ve never seen a full rainbow in America. Perhaps I’m not looking.

There’s a cold fog in the air. I breathe in my nostrils and think I’ve been here before. Yeah it’s the Amazon Jungle. Weird that Boone and the Jungle could smell so similar. The drive from Winston to Boone is perhaps the worst commute that exists or that I’ve experienced, no offense Jeff Rue. I suppose I’d enjoy it more if the stereo had the potential to be deafening, the ride had the ability to max out at Autobahn speeds, and the companionship was more than one…and of course if cops didn’t exist for my 1.5 hour drive. Heaven on Earth.

This brings me to my modus operandi. The point in the note where I start talking about the thing I’d like to talk to you about hopefully with the purpose of bringing light to a topic rarely spoken of on a personal matter. Debt. I’m in debt. Credit card and college. One of these debts is desirable for a short period of time in order to better ones own individual sense of accomplishment and to get a better job, while the former is wildly audacious, annoying, and rather tormenting. Dave Ramsey says you get in debt slowly and you get out of debt slowly. I got in debt fast and I intent to get out of it fast. One thing I’ve realized that I do is live outside my means. Sometime my peers struggle with. Christmas. Blast.

I think in my head I need things that I don’t need. One particular thing I can think of that I bought on credit 4 years ago was an iPod. Stunning. Stellar. Unbelievable. 250 bucks of white audio joy. If I can be perfectly frank with you most of the things I’ve purchased in the last 4 years of my life have been on credit. It’s caused undesirable consequences that I’m paying for now. If you’re in debt now I want to encourage you to stop spending money you don’t have, get a job, and get on a budget. Stop buying things you don’t need; beer, cable, expensive food, bottled water, and realize that being in debt now will come back to kill you in the future. I wish I had the intellect to calculate how much money I really paid for that iPod. It makes me sort of sick to my stomach. What a waste of money.

I guess there’s an upside to debt. Good credit. That I have. But it doesn’t outweigh the money that I’ve spent over the years. I imagine if I try hard I can get out of debt by this time next year. It’s going to take not going out to eat and eating more ramen noodles, working a little bit more, and not buying things the world tells me I need: tats, clothes, camping equipment, plane tickets, you name it I’ve bought it. Life.

So here’s the first step to getting on a budget. www.mint.com. I’ve been using it for the past year and would recommend it to anyone that makes money. Very legit. Very safe. Very secure. If you’re not in debt congratulations. Start saving your money and investing it. If you are in debt don’t worry, you’re not alone. You can easily get control of your lifestyle and be out of debt within two years almost no matter what.

So much to talk about. So little time. Love. War.


https://www.daveramsey.com/

I heard Billy likes Jen but she likes Sam and Billy ain't having it. Someone's going to die.

It’s 51 degrees in Boone and raining. The temperature is getting colder by the second. I’d like to move to San Diego or Phoenix. I have one more year in this amazing little mountain town.

My dad tells me, wise man that he is, that I should be wiser in the things I tell the world in my notes. I agree with him but the problem with wisdom is that it’s always damn singing in the streets. Saying that I’ve implored more wisdom now in the things I divulge knowing that a lot of diverse people read the things I write. Fathers, Mothers, Aunts, Uncles, the occasional friend, and various other loved ones…and perhaps an enemy and stranger here and there. My audience used to be composed of strictly college students but times have changed and so has my attack. More vague, and more toxic.

The songs I’m listening to on my playlist are all about love (save “Get your Freak on”…which is more about getting your freak on and less about love…I guess). It’s not because I’m thinking about love more than usual or specifically want to listen to songs about love but rather because people write songs about love. Can I share with you some of the titles of songs that I’m speaking of. “Wrapped up in you”, “Ain’t no Sunshine”, “Moving On”, “Higher Ground” “Luv to Luv Ya” (again that song might be more about sex…I guess) What is love? If I wrote a song about love right now it would be tainted by whimsical emotions and multihued language.  Any love that I could possibly feel for another woman is riddled with mixed emotions not even solvable by the finest riddleist and plagued with personal feelings not felt by Aphrodite herself. You might say Page your feelings are simple and easily explainable but like my friend Julian Casablancas so eloquently put

I don’t want what you want, I don't feel what you feel, See I'm stuck in a city, But I belong in a field.

The are some inherent problems with loving someone that’s so different from yourself. I’m not going to talk about them because this note isn’t supposed to be about love.

 I’ve spent the last hour on the phone talking to someone I loved who doesn’t share the same feelings for me that I have for them. The most interesting conversation I’ve ever had I think. What is love; A quagmire of thoughts, kisses, and touches stolen at the expense of others; either willingly or unwillingly.

 People think that because we’re young we don’t understand what love is. Or even worse because we’re young the idealistic views that we have about love and more particularly marriage aren’t true. I’ll tell you what I know. That I’m going to marry the girl I love and I will never leave her no matter what. People think I’m being ignorant when I make this statement but I’m not. I’ll also never sign a prenup whether I’m rich or she’s rich. If you can’t trust the person you’re marrying then don’t get married. Also if you love your money more than you love her or him don’t waste your time. Spend the rest of your life loving your money and rot in hell and leave the good single girls and guys to people who want to love them. 

As I discuss things like this with my other brilliant classmates (and I use the term brilliant loosely to mean either stupid or really stupid) who always say “You don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, what if she wants to leave you and take your money?” I say a couple things. First I say you’re not bloody Paul McCartney and after they don’t understand I say the amount of money that you have or even will have doesn’t matter compared to the trust and love you’re giving someone else. I say if I marry the girl I love and she takes all my money either because she duped me or because she changed her mind and doesn’t love me anymore than let her have it. There’s way more to life than money. Second I say don’t marry a girl that loves money more than she loves you. Simple rules to follow.

I don’t believe that the opposite of peace is war and I don’t believe the opposite of love is hate.

I fall for girls fast. I think it’s because of the hope I have for an amazing relationship full of fun, laughing, a little bit of illegal activity, and trust. I haven’t had a girlfriend in five years and am no where close to having one any time soon. Maybe this is my lack of trust for the opposite sex or maybe I haven’t found the one that I’m speaking of in this note…or maybe I’ve set the bar too high for my face. I think Samantha would choose the third. Regardless of the real or true reason the truth remains: some girl out there will one day make me a very lucky man. God bless love and war; the only things that have no rules.