You're Not Great Because Your Goal is Sucky People

On a day like today all one can do is blog. I've spend time in my room; my lonely, wood-floored, haven from blistering winds, beautiful Korean women, and the outside world. When I'm in my room all I do is think. I'm a thinking time bomb. I'm currently mercifulness plowing through Andre Agassi's autobiography thinking of my autobiography; sad that no one will ever write a biography about me. Out of all the possible things in the world, someone writing a biography of your life has to be the third most humbling experiences.

Jeremy Current has a song he wrote after his girlfriend was murdered titled Violet Boutique. The line that sticks in my brain, makes my gut grimace, and soul yearn: "I knew someday you'd dry up but  I can't stop pouring water in your cup."

I feel as if my girlfriend has been murdered and I haven't had a girlfriend in six years. The second most humbling experience has to be someone saying they'll marry you and staying with you for life.

I can't stop pouring water in your cup.

Agony, a feeling I have no right to sympathize with. Agony, an emotion that comes daily to my calcium non-deficient bones. I'm in agony for wisdom. I'm in agony for love.  I'm in agony for understanding...and I don't understand. I'm not trying to understand the deeper meanings of life, having graduated from that thinking long ago, but rather the trivial things of life.  Once one thinks for hours on end all one can do is think some more. Andre's dad hates thinking because he says that it keeps people from doing.

Maybe I'm not a doer, I think to myself, running through the small list of accomplishments in my life.  Some worth noting, some personal gold medals snatched out of the hands of millions of other competitors. But my accomplishments are like snotty loogies spit in my face as I look at my future.  Ones accomplishments are only as good as who you're comparing yourself to. I am currently comparing myself to Andre. Once number one in the world.

I change the song. Tired of wanting to cry. Not tears of sadness but tears of agony. What's the agony. I don't know.

"So why did you come to Korea?" She asks me as we stand waiting on separate taxis. She a Korean trying to understand me and gauging me with other Americans she's met; the ones that hang out in Itaewon. I'm an American trying to gauge myself. Wonderfully beautiful and unbearingly attractive I tell her I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I feel like I could repeat this a million times to anyone who asks me any questions about anything.  I said something about culture or some other bullshit that I didn't know why I was saying. I pride myself in my ability to think fast. I can't think that fast...we were waiting on taxis and taxis in Seoul are like ignorant people in America. She ignored a couple free taxis and let them pass much like I ignore ignorant Americans and let them pass.

I rest on Solomons wisdom in my daily agony:
Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun--all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun.

 The main reason I can't enjoy life is that I don't have a wife whom to love all the days of this meaningless life.

I agree with Jesus in my glorious loneliness:
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.

What's next. I don't know. All I know is I want to be great and I want to do this with my wife. This looks different for a believer but I still can't understand why. love. war.

Things to think about:
-not thinking

People From All Over the World Reading the Same Crappy Thing...MY BLOG

Technology now a days allows for a lot of things that the past wouldn't of allowed. For instance...wasting hours gazing into other people's lives through countless photos of them and their friends that they make available to others for that specific purpose. Or even simple , extraordinarily things like using a plastic card anywhere you are when you want to buy something. (Something you take for granted).

Something else technology has enabled me to do is see the people that come to my blog and the things they search to find it.  Recently someone that came upon it searched for this and I thought it was funny enough to share with you:

"how to write a apology letter for something you didn't do to a gym teacher"


It brought her to this blogpost. Of course this begs the questions...What does the gym teaching think this chick did? (I'm assuming she's a chick) The next question is did my blog help her out? It probably didn't because most the people that come to my blog from searches don't read the whole thing. (I can see that too) But I still think it's very very funny. Here are some other things that people have searched that have come up on my blog...all funny but not as funny as that gym teacher apology letter crap...

-I like the way she smokes her cigarettes
-I've told someones secrets to people, how do I get them to not say to anyone
-Should you keep secrets from people. bible
-Sometimes I'd rather build a fire than a relationship

The last one is probably my favorite...because sometimes I'd rather build a fire than a relationship...but in Seoul you can't build fires. love. war.

Things to think about:
-how is life in america different from other places
-does smoking cigarettes really make people mad
-why does making a profit for oneself considered so bad

Things to watch:
Obama...2 terms...eh.

Korean Eyes and Knives that Make them Beautiful

People from the west don't really understand what it's like being a Korean girl. Which is understandable since you aren't a Korean girl. And since you're from the west, you fit nicely into the category of people that I'm talking about. Do you have any Asian friends? Next time you're hanging out with them, look closely at their eyes without making them feel uncomfortable. If you're Asian and reading this, look in a mirror.

It wasn't until I flew to Seoul and started conversing with some women with Korean eyes that I realized that they don't like them. And almost everyone here, I use the term everyone very loosely, gets eye surgery; they want to look more western. Not all of them want to look more western. Of course there are the few that just want to look more beautiful. You know Milan...Pocahontas. Thanks Disney.

My coworker Donna, who is a very pretty woman, told me that she wants to get eye surgery to be more beautiful. I was shocked. Seriously. I don't get shocked that often. She is beautiful. Already. And she is married already. WHAT? Maybe her husband should tell her that she's more beautiful. I guess that's another issue. Maybe not.

To better understand what I'm talking about look at this...
The Asian eyelid

They want to get bigger eyes. I told Donna that there are a lot of woman in America with big eyes who are ugly. There are also thousands of beautiful Korean girls that haven't gotten surgery with normal Korean eyes, I suppose.

Apparently Korean women don't have an eyelid...or they do and we have two. We being white people. All the Korean Pop stars...Kpop...get eye surgery to look more beautiful. I think the Kpop stars are beautiful and would love to meet one or even marry one...but I didn't know it was because they got surgery. They became drastically less desirable then I found out their eyes weren't natural but rather tampered with.

Healthy guys think that fake boobs look really stupid and not beautiful. Healthy guys like natural to unnatural. Perverted guys prefer something fake. Those are the guys that you shouldn't be worrying about. They suck. They are the guys that if you married, you would always be wondering why they didn't think you were beautiful. They aren't happy with themselves and use porn as the standard for all women. I can be included in the not so righteous group of perverted guys. Most of us can. And like a lot of us, we're not happy about it...For I've looked at porn and even have found myself comparing woman to the gross indecency that it exposes. But unlike the fads of our time I choose to pursue something greater than that. 

Would Donna be prettier with bigger eyes? Would I look better if I wasn't balding? Would everyone look better if they were perfect? Probably. Then the question arises; is physical beauty all that matters? And the answer is certainly yes...if you're after physical beauty.

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

And it's obvious that what the Lord thinks of you is more important than what any man thinks about you. He created you and loves you. love. war.


Things to listen to:
4th Avenue Jones

Things to think about:
-When things are cheaper it makes everything better save adopting Children
-lighters and smoking: cigarettes, pipes, and cigars