Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Insert a title here that makes you want to read this

I haven’t smoked a cigarette in a month and a half. That’s interesting because I thought most of my inspiration came from the steady inhale and exhale of smoke. Not the addicted inhale and exhale that comes from lifelong smokers and that nice little cough they cough that makes your eyes wince as your head cocks back just a little as if you’re somehow getting out of the way of it, but rather the steady, cool, calm, collected, thoughtful smoking that artists do after playing that show that make a thousand kids have to wash their clothes when they go home. Yeah I’ve figured out that my inspiration doesn’t come from cigarettes.

I’ve also figured out that a lot of things annoy me. Some things I really can’t put into words and other things I can. I used to not want to admit that things annoyed me because it seems childish but that’s like trying to ignore your allergies…denial doesn’t make them go away…and then came Zyrtec…and then another hour having to be worked to afford the Zyrtec. (No I don’t get paid 27.58 an hour…but close) Life.

Everyday for the past month I have been getting up an hour early to go running (Valentina). And it’s a different experience every time. I don’t think a time of running goes down without me thinking, “wow…I’m running if Africa.” (insert: another honest statement about running that I’m not yet allowed to say…because I’m a leader) A lot of this trip has been me thinking about things that have happened in Africa and being like, “…now I can say that I’ve driven on the left side of the road in Africa” only to realize how childish and vain it is. One, because I won’t ever remember all the things that I’ve done in my life when I’m 40 and two because it’s stupid because this just isn’t an experience that I’m having in Africa but rather part of my life. A part of a bigger picture…my life…go figure. I guess I am glad that I can say that Africa is a part now of that bigger picture of my life. And I’ve made about ten new friends and about five close friends. Life’s great…I think.

The main reason I’m writing is to ask you a question. The question is this: Are there things in your life that you do to please other people? I’ll give you an example of what that means. I want people to think that I’m interesting so sometimes when people are coming over to my house that haven’t ever been there I’ll make myself…or rather time myself to be doing something/anything outside so it looks like I don’t spend a lot of time just inside watching Fox News. I’ll get my bike out and be messing with it or start cleaning the garage or doing something with my chickens. Do you know what I’m saying? Stupid stuff that doesn’t make any sense because it’s fake. Fake. Fake. Fake…and so I thought to myself…am I a fake person. A lot of people would say that I’m the realist person that they’ve ever meet. So how do the two go together? Me being real and me being fake. Well the answer is that you can’t sum me up with one word like real or fake. I’m a little more complex than that. Sometimes I’m fake and sometimes I’m real…very, very real. Even the people that you think are fake aren’t always fake; when they are lying in their bed at night they have real thoughts and real emotions and they are very real with themselves. When they are kissing their boyfriends and it leads to other things they are being very real with themselves and with the people they are with. Real. Real. Real.

So what is it that you do to please people or cause them to think something about you that’s not true? It could be something that’s the opposite like you do something that you know you’re not…like cocaine. I know people that have done cocaine or even do cocaine but those people aren’t cocaine. The question is then when are you going to stop being something you’re not. When you are going to start being who you are…and when are you going to start being real with people? It looks like for me, to be real with people, to show them my true self, to start being quiet. I am a quiet person. I know you don’t believe me but it’s true. Being quiet is something that scares me but it’s just who I am. You haven’t seen it before because it’s something that I do to “please people” (even though it doesn’t please a lot of people when I’m loud) I am loud and crazy and that’s comfortable to me because I think it’s what people want me to be.

So what am I? Who is Page Trimble? Am I what other people tell me I am or am I what I think I am or am I what my parents think of me or am I what the person who created me thinks I am or am I what I want to be? Am I loud or quiet or crazy or calm? If you think about it I’m sure you can say what you think I am. And if you do I’d love to hear it.

If you take some time and sit and think about who you are you’ll be able to realize it…and then you can start acting like it...or rather being it. (that’s the first thing that I’ve underlined in any one of my writings) It might take some good hard honest analyzing. It might take you asking your best friend who they think you are. I’ve found that the best way to realize what people think of you is to ask someone that doesn’t really know you how they see you and they will tell you how the world sees you…honestly. After you’ve done this you can stop pissing me off with your fakeness and I can stop pissing you off with my fakeness and we can start being real and honest and vulnerable and caring and loving with one another. I imagine this will piss God off a lot less too…he loves honesty and piss Satan off a little bit more. I promise you that I’ll take the time and try to love you if you’ll take the time and try to love someone else that you’ve been recently hurting…with your words or actions. Love. Not Beatles Love…but real love; 1st Corinthians 13 love. Holla.


Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Life took a shit on my child and then I flushed the toilet

A broken leg is like a broken heart save when we break a leg we go to the doctor immediately and get it fixed. But with our heart we think it’s less important than our physical bodies. Why don’t we go to the Great Healer when our hearts been crushes or broken and get healing? I want to take some time with you and share my heart but I can’t because I don’t even know my heart. I’d like to take sometime and tell you how much I’ve grown from the start of this trip to now and how much Gods restoring my heart but I can’t right now because I’m in the middle of the restoration process. You wouldn’t ask someone how it feels to be healthy when they are still in the hospital bed. That's should work on that.

I thought about my life today as I walked into town to use the internet and all the things that I have battled with my entire life. Can I take some time and tell you so you would know me better than you do now? Ever since I can remember I’ve been obsessed with girls; obsessed with the desire to be loved by them. It started with Abbey Saxby when I was younger and has since played itself out in very different ways from then till now. Since I can remember I’ve also battled pornography; almost my whole life, from age 10 when you first realize how great woman are till now at age 23. These two battles (obviously not the only battles I’ve faced) go hand in hand with one another. One shows my heart and the obsession I have for girls and the other shows the physical reaction to this desire to love and be loved. Why? I’ve asked myself the same question. Why do people use heroine or cocaine? It makes them feel good and it also covers up a pain that they have lodged deep inside their soul, if only for a short moment. Obviously since I say this was/is a battle I have battled it, meaning there were times when I didn’t struggle with it at all for months on end and times when I’ve battled with it quit literally every day. But it’s been there. I’ve been caught by my parents, siblings, friends, but it still didn’t stop. Several times I thought I have overcome this but the truth is that I don’t think I want to be over it yet. The selfish, disgusting desires of my flesh cause me to not want to walk in the spirit. Romans 8. And walking in the spirit is a choice and I’m wondering when I’m going to make that choice to completely do it. I’ve done it in my head I just haven’t done it in my heart quite yet. It’s coming though.

I’m wondering when I’m going to completely abandon the lusts of this world for something that I know is far greater; something that is chasing me and desiring to have a more intimate relationship with me. Friends we are kidding ourselves if we tell ourselves that we aren’t struggling with something. What is the lust of your heart that you are struggling with? What is that lust that is keeping you from experiencing the great relationship that God is calling you to with him through Jesus Christ? Pride. Yeah. It’s probably pride. I’m in the same boat.
The reason I’ve struggled with these things is a mixture of a lot of things; my parents, my friends, Satan. But the biggest thing is my rebellious nature. The desire I have to do what I want when I want to do it. I’m a rebel. Not the hot, cigarette smoking, motorcycle driving rebel that James Dean made famous but the disgusting, sinful do what I want apart from God type rebel. Although I still find time to smoke cigarettes.

I wish I could tell you friends that I have conquered these lusts in my life but I haven’t. I wish I could tell you that I didn’t get drunk the night before I came on this trip and hook up with a girl the night before my five hour drive to training camp. But what I can tell you is that God’s grace is sufficient (Eph 1:7), one, and two that he’s forgiven me for everything I’ve ever done. I’ve spent enough time feeling guilty for the things I’ve done in the past.

Something God’s teaching me on this trip is that I am growing even though I don’t see it. Like I told you earlier God’s restoring me and while I’m not in the place where I want to be God says that it’s all right because growth takes time (even though I want full growth now). He’s also answering prayer. I’ve been steadfast in prayer for wisdom searching it out like Soloman says, like hidden treasure. (Proverbs 2:4) the best way I know how. And I think it’s wisdom telling me now to tell you guys these things and release all these things to you to allow myself to heal and not hide. I’ve also been steadfast in prayer that God would prune me and cut back the branches in my life that are fruitless (John 15:1), and he has and will continue to.

Friends, being a leader on this trip is hard. There have been on several occasions an immature display of my mouth and what it looks like to not think out fully what I say in regards to how people will take it. On three different occasions I’ve had to apologize to the whole team for saying things I shouldn’t have said and on many other occasions having to apologize to individuals for the same thing. God again this summer is teaching my that my mouth is another struggle for me and compassion, and sensitivity, and patience, and pride, and and and and.

Obviously I have a lot of stuff in my life that I need to work on but I’m not alone. It’s also a process. I have written in pen on the palm of my hand: Growth is Slow!!! Eat your vegetables. This is something I have to be reminded of daily because I’m so hard on myself to be so spiritual and grown now.

Lovers this wasn’t easy writing; I’ll tell you the truth. I mean my grandparents receive these e-mails. Who wants to tell their grandma they struggle with lust and pornography. (I love you grandma) But I’ll tell you the truth it’s a very good thing. As soon as you realize that keeping your sin in the dark is the worst possible thing you could do to yourself and your heart you’ll be free from it. you’ll then also realize that the acceptance Jesus has for all of us sinners and the forgiveness through grace that he has for us is amazing. All you have to do is say Lord I’m giving my life over to you. So easy. So amazing. So ridiculously amazing. Sorry this has been a little bit more boring then perhaps other things I have written. I love you.