Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I keep secrets the way you talk; non-stop

I’ve figured out some things in my quarter century of life here on Earth and one of those things is that people, no matter how close to you, can’t keep secrets. Even the ones that they say they won’t tell anyone will eventually tell…not on purpose or with any sort of malicious intent but just because the secrets that you want people to keep are more important to you than they are to your friends and, since they don’t regard them in a high enough manner, they in turn don’t remember that you asked them to keep it a secret. I’ve found that the best way to keep a secret is to not talk. Not not talk about the secret but just to limit your talking altogether. If you aren’t talking, it’s impossible to tell a secret because you aren’t able to. It’s impossible actually to tell someone something if you aren’t talking. No one would ever write down your secret on accident because then they would realize what they are doing.

I don't tell people secrets. I actually don't tell so many secrets that I forget some of the secrets that I was suppose to keep. People think that I tell a lot of people's business but if someone asks me to keep a secret I will never tell anyone.

People talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk about the dumbest things. I sit in the cafeteria listening to people talk about this or that. Movies, talk shows, Kim Kardashian, homework “oh my God can you believe how much he sucks, I know, I have like three papers due by tomorrow, I know it’s crazy, it’s going to be a long night at the library, I know thank God for Thanksgiving.” The worse part about it is that I participate in these ridiculous conversations with people. It’s almost impossible not to open your mouth and talk about stupid things that make no difference in the world to anyone or anything.  I don’t answer people anymore when they ask me how I’m doing in passing. It’s a pretty awesome technique. I’m slowly mastering it.

You might ask then, Page if people are all talking about stupid stuff, what should we be talking about and I would say we should be talking about the things in life that scare us the most. We should be talking about the things in life that we fear the most. We should be talking about our deepest hurts. We should be talking about the things in life that make our spirits fly. We should be talking about things that make us uncomfortable. We should challenge more people to shut the hell up. I wish there was a more calm way to say it and I don’t mean to swear but that’s just what it takes…sometimes no one will hear you because they are too busy talking. Please just shut up. Stop talking so much. Just stop talking. When you think about talking just don’t and see what happens. Look someone in the eye when they say something and see what happens.  Ask them, “why do you talk so much?” And the answer is they are scared to death about talking about things that hurt them.

Maybe though you're the type of person that's afraid to talk to people in general and I want to tell you that I'm not really talking to you. If you're the type of person that really can't hold a conversation with someone than I would say that that's something that you should work on. It's okay to have meaningless conversations with people in order to get to know someones likes and dislikes. I also want to say that just talking about stupid things in order to get to know someone can be a good thing.  Just know that I'm not talking to you in general if you're someone that is uncomfortable speaking in front of people.

So in order to not be a hypocrite, I’ll share something with you that I’d prefer not to.

I am afraid of getting married because my mom left my dad after 24 some odd years of marriage. (She would see it differently but I don’t, and I’ve told her so)  I haven’t been in a significant relationship since my mom left the house when I was 18. The relationship I was in fell apart because I was so demanding for love, that she stay and not leave me, that she left. It’s been 6 years since I’ve had a relationship. 6 years. 72 months.  2160 days. 51,840 hours. 3,110,400 minutes. 186,624,000 seconds.  18,662,400,000 milliseconds. I don’t know if there is anything smaller than a millisecond. But who cares you get the idea. It’s been a long time. And going on seven…an even longer time.  And I’ve had several amazing women come in my life that I should of dated but I drove them all away. Every single one of them. I don’t want to list them but it’s an amazing list of amazing women. Looking for love in all the right places…and then telling them to leave. Man, I should write a song.

My favorite verse of the Bible is Proverbs 17:28 which says “Even the foolish man, when he keeps quiet, is taken to be wise: when his lips are shut he is credited with good sense.”

This is crazy to me because so many times I feel I have to defend myself. With my friends, with my classmates, with my enemies, with everyone that isn’t hearing me right. It’s so hard defending oneself all the time.

All this is ironic because I received “most talkative” for my senior superlative. What an awful award. I went into the yearbook office and asked if I could receive another award that I got less votes for but still won…they said no but they would put something more friendly on it like “most likely to say hello.” They didn’t. And to this day I’m working on being more and more quiet. I’m also working on helping other people not talk so much.

One way of not speaking is to ask more questions. Instead of talking about your life to someone, try asking someone a question and when they answer ask a follow up one. And then keep asking questions. Don’t even give your advice. Just ask and ask and ask. It usually helps people a lot too. Other people have a lot to say that they have bottled up and no one is asking them the right questions or even questions at all…because people are too busy talking. Get out of your comfortable crappy box and get into someone else’s life in a raw real way. It will bless you. I promise.

Ephesians 25-32 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit."
Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.
Proverbs 12:16 A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult. NIV
Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 16:32 Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city. NIV
*Proverbs 25:11 A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. (so so legit a verse)
Proverbs 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. 

I wish you the best. Love. War. 

Monday, November 23, 2009

If my family doesn't give me a joyful funeral I'll haunt them forever

People like me. Not people in general but people in specific. The people that like me like me because I’m not a bullshitter. I don’t bull shit. I'm honest shit. Which is funny to me because people tell me that I’m good at BSing even though I don’t really BS. I don’t know. Maybe I’m out of touch with who I really am and all people see me as a BSer. So if you’re one of those people then I’ll tell you that I’m not trying to BS. One thing I do know is that I’m annoying. God am I annoying. Shoot I might even annoy God. I’m not sure why I’m annoying or what about life makes me want to annoy my friends. I think I annoy them because if they still hang out with me while I’m annoying then I know they really love me. Insecurities plague me like a leech in my rectum.

There have been a lot of feelings ripping through my head as of late. Someone once told me that I was intelligent because I ask a lot of questions and asking a lot of questions is a sign of curiosity and intelligent people are curious. I then thought that I don’t know if that’s what makes someone intelligent or not. I do think that there are intelligent people that aren’t curious and curious people who aren’t intelligent. I think stupid people are curious also and even smart for being curious so maybe they aren’t stupid at all. Is it possible to be intelligent and curious? Of course.

I went to church this morning and during the service my pastor had an interview on stage with one of his friends. He was an artist, a singer-songwriter. This particular person was seriously involved with someone that had been tragically murdered. He said this statement today and I frantically wrote it down on my friends receipt because I thought it touched greatly on what I felt in my life, “Grief can be temporarily overcome by human contact, or interaction, or touch, but when you’re alone you’re overcome with a heavy burden and sadness that you face head on.” I also wrote this on the receipt “the color yellow and white are really close to each other.” Goodness grief. What the hell do you do with grief? What if you don’t want to face it? My step-brother’s father died about seven years ago and he still isn’t over it. I want to cry thinking about it. I cry for people I know that hurt. I’ve tried to open up to him but I don’t think he wants to yet. I guess I don’t blame him. I used to think why doesn’t he just get over it? I think now that I hate myself for thinking such an ignorant thing. I’m going to spend more time praying for him.

But death isn’t exclusive. It hits everyone everywhere. Death death death. Does thinking about death make you dark? Or even a dark person? What I mean by dark is not happy all the time. Or even a perceived happiness. Who is happy all the time? I’m not. There are times of happiness and times of sadness, times of joy and times of despair…but hope still remains. Hope. It’s hope that gets my through the day and hope that will get my through this life.

Death is something that I can’t even really think about without extreme curiosity. I’ve thought of the common questions like how am I going to die, how would I like to die, what the most painful way to die is, and if I died who would be the most affected. These aren’t the things that I’m curious about anymore though. Death, if someone I loved died how long would it take me to get over it? Would I leave and never come back? If I died tonight would the funeral be packed with people that I didn’t even really know that I affected throughout my life? Satan wants people to die…but God uses death for his goodness…and just plain goodness.

If you’re dealing with someone dying in your life and you haven’t yet grieved over the situation, now is the time to do that. Allow yourself time to grieve. If someone you know died it’s time to forgive them. They can’t make it right. They are dead. They would want you to be able to live your life the way God wants you to live your life, in a deep, heartfelt, passionate relationship with him and the people around you. You can still have a relationship with Jesus while you hate him and people. Trust me, I know.

A good friend of mine one time said this:
“No I don’t want to battle from beginning to end, I don’t want to cycle or recycle revenge, I don’t want to follow death and all of his friends”

I believe that the way that we don’t follow death, or Satan, is to love. I’m not talking about the loving that the coexist sticker so mistakenly preaches but the love that comes from sacrifice. The love that comes from stopping what you are doing to help someone that needs help. The love that is shown by forfeiting the things you love to visit someone in the hospital or in jail or in a homeless shelter. The love that we see people do for no reason other than Jesus demanding it; this is the love that changes the world. 

We can spend our whole lives fighting against things that don’t matter or we can spend our lives fighting for people that can’t fight for themselves: the widow, the orphan, and the poor. Please take some time today to enlist your services to something greater than yourself by humbling yourself lower than what you would want to.  In the end these are the things that we’ll be judged on and not anything else.

Read this crap:

Think about this crap:
-Getting older while other people are staying the same age.
-Someone convincing you of something you know not to be true about yourself
-Yellow…being so close to the color white. (in the right light they look the same.)
-If scientists say dogs mouths are cleaner than humans than we need a new standard in which we measure cleanliness.

-You can’t deny death or life, or God giving both. It's too obvious.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Politics ran through my veins like blood runs from noses

I used to follow politics more than anyone you know.  I watched the news every night, read large amounts of articles that were written about the very important, various happenings of that day, and was even a member of RUSH 24/7 where I downloaded all of Rush’s shows straight to my iTunes and listened to hours and hours of his wonderful show. I knew the Constitution, could name all the Supreme Court justices, knew almost every reporter on CNN and Foxnews and even yelled at the TV when people were saying things that disagreed with my views on politics and life. I did all this for my political talk show I had on my college radio station called Politics with Page. The show was one day a week for three hours. I had a lot of fun being on the radio, talking about politics, and listening to myself talk about politics. People would call the show every so often and we would discuss things from Newt Gingrich running for president, to George W. Bush’s decision to go to war, to Walter Williams’s discussion of economics in the US, hell I even threw in some Maddox. (crappy children’s art work is the best by far) I was so immersed in politics that I had an opinion on every issue; gay marriage, ungay marriage, illegal immigration, legal immigration, the death penalty, the life penalty, fishing licenses, NATO, NAFTA, the UN, the role of states in the Union, and the drudgereport.com (you didn’t think this could be an issue…but it was back in the day). It was only difficult for me on a few occasions to fill the three hours with my opinions.

I argued with my political science professor when he said things that were untrue and told my fellow students during class that they didn’t have to listen to the things that he was saying, to question everything they heard. I was wrong from time to time but I stood firm in my opinions. I called Senators and told them my thoughts. I discussed in great length politics with everyone I came in contact with, argued with the idiots, and learned from the brilliants. I went to Washington and visited my senator’s office in the capital building. I also took a tour of the pathetic, artsy, unused portion of that great building. I attempted, to no avail on two different occasions, to run for student body president.

Do I need to go on? I loved politics. The culmination of my love for politics and arguing happened last year in the ’08 to ’09 school year when I decided to put my money where my mouth was and actually get into politics in my school’s SGA. I entered with high hopes, discussed the different bills that were written by various senators, as stupid as they were, and actually cared a lot about what I was doing. I ended the year with a very huge sour taste in my mouth. The head of my committee stabbed his own committee in the back in his final speech before senate and took us all by surprise. I let him know in our last committee meeting of the year what I thought about his actions…in a very manly way.  

I now don’t love politics. I actually don’t really watch the news any more than keeping up with what’s going on in the US and the world to be able to have conversations with people about current events. The conversations though usually made me want to jab forks in their eyes. I’m sick of the vanity of it all. I spent countless hours arguing with people about how their input mattered and that senators listened to them when they called but now I don’t spend seconds trying to convince people that they matter. They don’t. Or rather their ideas don’t. What we need is a revolution. A revolution with blood and guns and fighting and crying and hate and love and maybe even swords, and defiantly a purpose. We won’t have anything of that sort though because my peers are too passive. The men I know don’t fight anyone in real life but rather spend all their time fighting alongside the Master Chief as they defend Earth from the High Prophet of Regret. That’s Halo I, II, and III for all the ladies out there and the woman are too busy making sure all the men aren’t fighting. It’s really sick.

I used to be an idealist and I still am but every representative and senator would have to die in order for there to be any real progress to happen. My friends tell me that I need a revolution to fight and I would agree. But I couldn’t find more than 10 people that would be willing to fight one with me. Also, I’m all talk and so are you. Even if you and I wanted to start a revolution, we wouldn’t be able to because there in the near future, I believe, isn’t going to be anywhere to buy weapons. Of course if I was really planning a revolution I wouldn’t blog about it. The CIA and FBI have so close tabs on everything you write about you’d be stupid to ever try anything that goes against them. And there lies the problem. Get real. Love. War.

News articles to read that indirectly show the attitude of the people that are in power over us.
Crappy Childrens ART

Friday, November 13, 2009

Winks from the soul save people from hell

I’ve been winking at a lot of people recently. Winking is one of those amazing non-verbals that says way more than a lot of other non-verbals. Winking, I believe, is even more powerful than the middle finger on the personal level. The middle finger says a lot, I guess. And people still get offended to some level when they get flicked off but I would say the middle finger has lost a lot of its weight in America. Actually, when someone flicks me off, the first thing I think is: “is that a joke?” I don’t get alarmed unless it’s serious and from someone I know.

There are a few other non-verbals that portray some sort of emotion: waving, blowing a kiss, smiling, shaking your head up or down. I still think the most passionate one is the wink. A wink says something more intense than any other non-verbal. It says passion. It says red. It says I have a secret for you, it says I see only you, it says we know something together that no one else knows, it says I want to get your attention and not let anyone else know I’m doing it. The wink is secretive, alluring, and very raw.
So why have I been winking at people then. I’m not winking at people to say any of those things at all. I’m winking because I’m fed up with the world.

I’d like now to talk about some examples of things that make me hate life and the world. When I walk by girls and they are talking about shopping and needing to buy more clothes. When my friends leave hanging out with me to watch a terribly, dense TV show or when people don’t want to spend time with me because of TV. The billions of people on the Earth all doing the same thing; breathing, eating, pooping, talking, dying, killing, having sex. It’s wildly depressing. When I see people not helping people because they think they are more important than them (they don’t really know they think that but that’s the reason why they aren’t helping, pride). When people talk about being green or going green and they are really passionate about it. People that care more about dying animals than dying people. Vegetarians. (I love you Katie Booker) Just to name a few.

What I’m doing is merely substituting a wink for a hi, hello, or what’s up. Moody people almost always have to figure out ways to say hi without saying anything in particular. When I walk around in my lackluster view of the world it’s easy to not want to talk to anyone. It’s even better though if you can come up with something that people don’t understand. That way no one will challenge you on it and maybe even write you off as being weird. The best way to get away with doing anything is if people just write you off as being weird. Winking to say hello is one of them. People take a wink as personal. So when I do it I’m appealing to that person’s individual desire to be known by someone or me in particular. Everyone wants to really be known by someone.  And here comes the problem, the fatal flaw, the coup de jour.  Everyone wants to be known but they are looking to be known by man, not by God. This is the problem because no man can know you through and through. The only thing that exists that can know you…even better than you know yourself is God. He knows how many hairs are on your head right now, and he knows when a sparrow hits the ground and dies.

Why is it that the people that we love the most we don’t treat with the most love? We snap at people that we would call our best friends. Why is it that when we see someone we love that we just saw the day before that we could really care less about them?  I think the answer is that we care too much about this world…too much about the stupid things that we’re doing everyday to get by. I think the answer is that we are selfish. I think it’s because we care more about ourselves than about anyone else. I think that if you really stopped and looked at yourself, that you care more about yourself than anyone else in the world when it comes down to it. If you’re the handful of people that I know that aren’t like this, I thank you for caring about others more than yourself.

I want to say that despite my cynical approach to life, in this current stage in my life, I still believe that God is good and he will always be good. Just because I don’t understand fully why things happen doesn’t mean that I believe any less in the goodness of my creator. I’d also like to say that there are a lot of things I love about people but in general the masses make me want to not talk to people so I resort to winking to the masses. Telling them I love you and that I have a secret to tell you but I don’t want to do it through more small talk and pats on the back.

I called the hospital yesterday to see when I could come in and visit people there that have no one to come visit them. See the thing is that I’m one of you. I care more about myself than I care about other people but the difference is that I want to start changing and I’m doing just that. It only took me 24 years to understand it this much and who knows what’s going to happen after another 24. I love you and life, sometimes. Love. War.

C'est la vie!

Some things to think about.
-Ron Paul in 2012
-Not using Facebook ever again
-Writing your grandparents a letter
-Why I write to you
-How much your mom really loves you despite what you think

Sunday, November 8, 2009

The best part about being a man is that I'm not a woman.

One of my friends calls me a kitten. It’s usually via text and it’s usually her playing around about how I’m a smitten kitten in regards to my love for her. I text her back, I’m a man, not a kitten.  Whenever she calls me a kitten a part of my manhood dies. I sit here and think. Does she want me to be a kitten or a man? Does she know what a man is? Does she think I’m a man? Am I a man? Why does she think it’s okay to call me a kitten?

Then there’s this advertisement on playlist.com for World of Warcraft which reads in dramatic images
“Over 11 million people…next slide… have experienced the intensity…next slide… now it’s your turn, 10 day free trial. As the tag line says, it’s not a game, it’s a world. Why does World of Warcraft give you a 10 day free trial? Because they know if they can just get a boy, who’s old enough to be a man, to spend a few hours in a reality that isn’t real and creates a world where a man can fight for something, live outside his comfort zone, and decide where he wants to go and when he wants to go there that they will get a that boy to play and pay for a lifetime. In case you were unsure World of Warcraft is a game and isn’t a world at all.

Or how about football, this imitation of war; two sides fighting against each other in sport, meaningless sport that millions of men and woman watch every week I believe all longing for something else but it doesn’t exist.

Why is it that I walk around wanted to break and destroy things? And furthermore why is it that instead of actually doing it I just instead give a heavy sigh.  Is this feeling only felt by me? Am I the only one that’s dying inside to matter on a larger scale? Am I the only person that feels he doesn’t have an outlet for his God given aggression?  Woman and society (more the intellectual society) ask the men in their lives to be calmer, quieter, and more passive and more like females.  This aggression that I share with all my fellow males around the world with no outlet, with no noble purpose is wasting away in the depths or our souls. Depressed men walk around with no purpose felling dead or men that lie in their beds wondering why get out of them when life is so boring, dull and controllable.

I have come to some conclusions about my life recently and I’d like to share them with you. The first is that my God isn’t controllable and since I’m made in his image there is a part of me that desires the uncontrolled. Second is that I’m done with being passive. Nothing kills me soul more than not standing up for the things I believe in. Nothing makes me want to die more than not having the ability to fight in a real battle. I care less and less what people think about me the older I get. And the older I get the more and more fed up I get with this “civilized society.”

I’ve realized why the past year of my life I’ve been depressed. I’m realized why for as long as I can remember I’ve not been content with where I am in life and it all boils down to my manhood and the things that make me a man. Woman and men are different. And I don’t want you to think that when I say something about a man that I think that the opposite is true for a woman. For example, if I say men want an adventure that doesn’t mean I think woman don’t. When I make a statement don’t read into that statement anything more than what I’m saying. Men and women are different and it’s a beautiful design made by a beautiful creator.

I drive a motorcycle and the number one thing I have heard people tell me is you’re going to die on that thing. Maybe that’s the point and I haven’t really been able to explain it in entirety at all. I’m sick of living this boring, passive, futile life. Maybe the reason that I drive a motorcycle is to die…or rather to feel alive enough to die. Maybe I’m not afraid of death or its consequences. And maybe I would invite death to come as long as I get a battle to fight and a woman to save.

With all that being said what is that my heart longs to do. I want to run with gazelle and hunt wild untamed creatures. I want to not know where I’m going to get food for that day to survive and not be able to eat until I find, kill, prepare and eat that food. I want to fear for my life in a way that shows me I’m alive and by no means in control. I want to come face to face with God in his nature and prevail as the one that has conquered. What man doesn’t want his nickname to be the conqueror?  What I don’t want is to look at my cell phone again to see if I have another text message. God save me and my soul.

I don’t even know everything I want to say really other than this. If you’re a man, it’s okay to stand up and be a man, to fail and then try again and then fail and try again. Dignity, honor, and character are all real things that every man should aspire to. If you’re a man and you’re tired of the life you’re living make a change. Be more fierce. Be proud at the right times and always humble. Find an adventure to live and a woman to live that adventure with. I’m in the process of doing this right now. The problem is finding a woman that doesn’t want you to be a cowardly, passive wimp and supports you in your search of manhood.

If you’re a woman try first understanding what makes a man a man before you tell him to do something that you think he should do. Try to see us men through the eyes of God and us men and not through your eyes. You want us to be tame but we don’t want to be tamed…and if I were to be quite honest with you I would say that you don’t really want to marry a tame man. No woman watches Disney movies and desires for the male role to be a passive wimp,  an insecure man that doesn’t know his role and that doesn’t know how to ride a horse and fight. You want to marry a man who will defend you and love you and fight for you and I believe you also want to go on an adventure with this man. Both of you conquering the world together in this untamed place we call Earth. Don’t marry a man that you can baby and be his mother.

I write all this to you and fear in my head that you think that these things are all fantasies.  That you’ll never find a man that wants to be a man. I fear that too but I’ll tell you that the more constructive encouraging you do to the men around you, not letting them settle for being wimps, the more likely you’re find a man and have a wonderful, happy, secure wild and exciting life for the rest of your life…together.

I also want to say that there are plenty of real battles to fight that are life and death. There are millions of people on this world that need someone to fight for them. There are people that are displaced, abandoned, orphaned and just plain bullied. We need real men to stand up to the bullies and tyrants. And maybe kill them. Wouldn't that be amazing. Love. War.

Please read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge
Song of Soloman by Soloman
And Proverbs in the Old Testament of the Bible

For a better understand of what I’m talking about.