Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Life took a shit on my child and then I flushed the toilet

A broken leg is like a broken heart save when we break a leg we go to the doctor immediately and get it fixed. But with our heart we think it’s less important than our physical bodies. Why don’t we go to the Great Healer when our hearts been crushes or broken and get healing? I want to take some time with you and share my heart but I can’t because I don’t even know my heart. I’d like to take sometime and tell you how much I’ve grown from the start of this trip to now and how much Gods restoring my heart but I can’t right now because I’m in the middle of the restoration process. You wouldn’t ask someone how it feels to be healthy when they are still in the hospital bed. That's rude...you should work on that.

I thought about my life today as I walked into town to use the internet and all the things that I have battled with my entire life. Can I take some time and tell you so you would know me better than you do now? Ever since I can remember I’ve been obsessed with girls; obsessed with the desire to be loved by them. It started with Abbey Saxby when I was younger and has since played itself out in very different ways from then till now. Since I can remember I’ve also battled pornography; almost my whole life, from age 10 when you first realize how great woman are till now at age 23. These two battles (obviously not the only battles I’ve faced) go hand in hand with one another. One shows my heart and the obsession I have for girls and the other shows the physical reaction to this desire to love and be loved. Why? I’ve asked myself the same question. Why do people use heroine or cocaine? It makes them feel good and it also covers up a pain that they have lodged deep inside their soul, if only for a short moment. Obviously since I say this was/is a battle I have battled it, meaning there were times when I didn’t struggle with it at all for months on end and times when I’ve battled with it quit literally every day. But it’s been there. I’ve been caught by my parents, siblings, friends, but it still didn’t stop. Several times I thought I have overcome this but the truth is that I don’t think I want to be over it yet. The selfish, disgusting desires of my flesh cause me to not want to walk in the spirit. Romans 8. And walking in the spirit is a choice and I’m wondering when I’m going to make that choice to completely do it. I’ve done it in my head I just haven’t done it in my heart quite yet. It’s coming though.

I’m wondering when I’m going to completely abandon the lusts of this world for something that I know is far greater; something that is chasing me and desiring to have a more intimate relationship with me. Friends we are kidding ourselves if we tell ourselves that we aren’t struggling with something. What is the lust of your heart that you are struggling with? What is that lust that is keeping you from experiencing the great relationship that God is calling you to with him through Jesus Christ? Pride. Yeah. It’s probably pride. I’m in the same boat.
The reason I’ve struggled with these things is a mixture of a lot of things; my parents, my friends, Satan. But the biggest thing is my rebellious nature. The desire I have to do what I want when I want to do it. I’m a rebel. Not the hot, cigarette smoking, motorcycle driving rebel that James Dean made famous but the disgusting, sinful do what I want apart from God type rebel. Although I still find time to smoke cigarettes.

I wish I could tell you friends that I have conquered these lusts in my life but I haven’t. I wish I could tell you that I didn’t get drunk the night before I came on this trip and hook up with a girl the night before my five hour drive to training camp. But what I can tell you is that God’s grace is sufficient (Eph 1:7), one, and two that he’s forgiven me for everything I’ve ever done. I’ve spent enough time feeling guilty for the things I’ve done in the past.

Something God’s teaching me on this trip is that I am growing even though I don’t see it. Like I told you earlier God’s restoring me and while I’m not in the place where I want to be God says that it’s all right because growth takes time (even though I want full growth now). He’s also answering prayer. I’ve been steadfast in prayer for wisdom searching it out like Soloman says, like hidden treasure. (Proverbs 2:4) the best way I know how. And I think it’s wisdom telling me now to tell you guys these things and release all these things to you to allow myself to heal and not hide. I’ve also been steadfast in prayer that God would prune me and cut back the branches in my life that are fruitless (John 15:1), and he has and will continue to.

Friends, being a leader on this trip is hard. There have been on several occasions an immature display of my mouth and what it looks like to not think out fully what I say in regards to how people will take it. On three different occasions I’ve had to apologize to the whole team for saying things I shouldn’t have said and on many other occasions having to apologize to individuals for the same thing. God again this summer is teaching my that my mouth is another struggle for me and compassion, and sensitivity, and patience, and pride, and and and and.

Obviously I have a lot of stuff in my life that I need to work on but I’m not alone. It’s also a process. I have written in pen on the palm of my hand: Growth is Slow!!! Eat your vegetables. This is something I have to be reminded of daily because I’m so hard on myself to be so spiritual and grown now.

Lovers this wasn’t easy writing; I’ll tell you the truth. I mean my grandparents receive these e-mails. Who wants to tell their grandma they struggle with lust and pornography. (I love you grandma) But I’ll tell you the truth it’s a very good thing. As soon as you realize that keeping your sin in the dark is the worst possible thing you could do to yourself and your heart you’ll be free from it. you’ll then also realize that the acceptance Jesus has for all of us sinners and the forgiveness through grace that he has for us is amazing. All you have to do is say Lord I’m giving my life over to you. So easy. So amazing. So ridiculously amazing. Sorry this has been a little bit more boring then perhaps other things I have written. I love you.

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